Heather's Boutique, picture from Getty Images

Thursday, November 02, 2006

Hunting Celebrities with Dogs

Well here I am in the world of blog, Heather asked me to write on the blog while she is away, I'm not quite sure why and while the cake was extremely nice I'd much prefer her to do a full oil and spark plug change on the car. Heather made it very clear that I couldn't write anything disgusting or depraved, which is a bit difficult as I am a lifelong Tory. She just texted me from Paris and apparently the left bank is only on the left if you face one way, if you turn around its actually the right bank.

Anyway now I've got an audience I think its time to talk about an idea I've had for a while. With all those reality TV programmes out there and the end of fox hunting I've had a great idea to keep the dogs fit and active and give the celebrities the exposure they clearly crave.

My idea is to go one step beyond "I'm a Z-List Celebrity, get me on there" and add real drama and excitement into it. My programme is "Hunting Celebrities down with Dogs". The format is going to be very simple. The Celebrity starts in the middle of a wood at dawn , dropped off in a posh 4x4 they are wearing their standard going out attire. They then get ten minutes to plug their latest book/CD/Perfume/Clothing Line/Marriage/Divorce/Diet/etc/etc/etc. One mile away around 200 dogs, mainly beagles but also with decent hunting dogs like Rhodesian Ridgebacks and Dobermans thrown in to make it more interesting. The Celebrity then has to run to a safe point which is three miles away through a wood, over a river, standard sort of country thing. The dogs and celebrity then race to see if the celebrity is safe or is lunch.

Now clearly demand from these Z-List people is going to be high as they'll get all that time to talk about themselves and will get great exposure, so I've narrowed down the list to a few that I think would suit the program
  1. Paris Hilton - mainly for crimes against dogs, but also because I have no idea what function she serves on this planet
  2. Boris Johnson - I spoke to Heather's dog and they are pretty sure that as he is against healthy food that there will be good eating on old Boris
  3. David Blunkett - His guide dog just shouldn't have been made to watch those things
  4. Anyone who has been on Big Brother and is still giving interviews on how little they've actually done
  5. Any of those minor Soap characters that people struggle to name the character for, let alone the actor
  6. Leo Sayer - Feel like dancing Leo?
  7. Jean Marie Le Pen - A big fat violent racist, do I need more of a reason
  8. That Kerry character who used to be in that girl band
  9. Some random footballers wife who is just desperate to get into TV
  10. Jordan and Jodie Marsh - Will they kill each other before the dogs get there?
  11. Jeffery Archer - Well he claims he can run fast and has experience evading the law
So I'm sure there are others who deserve the honour of appearing on the programme (any ideas?) and I think its a winner. It will of course be presented by Ant and Dec who will make chirpy comments as the celebrity is torn into lots of little pieces. I'm thinking its going to be either Channel 5 or Sky TV.

Anyway that's my idea, any TV producers out there who can help?


  • At Thursday, November 02, 2006 10:22:00 pm, Blogger The Murphmeister said…

    Gerald...Welcome to Heather's Blog !
    Speaking as a dog I think your idea is a little inhumane. Imagine some poor little Rhodesian Ridgeback having to bite the ankles of Jeffrey Archer.
    And I thought Paris Hilton was where Heather is staying this week?

  • At Friday, November 03, 2006 10:42:00 am, Blogger Mandarin Orange said…

    The Left Bank must have been named by the Germans - it's on the left if you are invading from the East ...

  • At Friday, November 03, 2006 4:49:00 pm, Blogger KAZ said…

    Gerald - what a spiffing idea.
    May I suggest Fred Elliot or Vanessa Feltz.
    They both need the work and it would give the poor dogs a decent meal.

  • At Friday, November 03, 2006 7:11:00 pm, Anonymous Ellee said…

    Definitely Sir David Beckham and Lady Victoria. But Boris is ok.

    Welcome to Heather's blog, btw.

  • At Friday, November 03, 2006 7:30:00 pm, Blogger nuttycow said…

    Evening Gerry (may I call you Gerry?) For a Tory you don't know that much about hunting - you hunt with hounds, not dogs ;)

    I jest. Personally, I'd like to see Ken Livingstone running in front of slavering hounds. I am sure Murph would be at the front?

  • At Sunday, November 05, 2006 7:02:00 pm, Blogger Gerald Spottiswood said…

    I take the point Murph, but in Jeffery's case I'm sure the dogs would accept that its for the greater good. Heather said something about having five friends called George who she'd be staying with.

    Mandarin, it can't have been named by the Germands, they'd pick a name that meant something like "the bit of the river that turns a bit right if you are looking at it from the east so a bit left if you look from the west" and translate it into one word!

    Vanessa Feltz, an excellent suggestion maybe combine her with Ms Hilton so the dogs gets something meaty and something crunchy!

    The Beckhams though have to be out I'm afraid, but a full Spice Girls reunion wouldn't be a bad idea, certainly get the ratings.

    And finally NuttyCow, of course its got to be called hunting with dogs, its going to be on Channel 5 or Sky, they won't know what a hound is they'll think its a Sherlock Holmes revival.

    Ken Livingston, maybe in the episode with Mr Archer? I'm sure they'd get on brilliantly.

  • At Monday, November 06, 2006 4:57:00 am, Blogger simon said…

    I think Leo Sayer lives in Nowra NSW Australia..

    & I can get some dawgs..

  • At Monday, November 06, 2006 10:41:00 am, Blogger The Murphmeister said…

    Simon... if you could persuade a remaining Beatle to get involved the Oz version could be "Hunting Ringos with Dingos".

    Jeffrey Archer left me a brown envelope so I've taken back all I said about him (the arse).

  • At Monday, November 06, 2006 8:36:00 pm, Blogger nuttycow said…

    If it's going to be on channel 5 you need to have some form of plastic surgery/elephant man/child with four heads in there somewhere? Don't you?

    Take your point about dogs/hounds. I should know not to be so posh ;)

    How's your week been?

  • At Monday, November 06, 2006 11:08:00 pm, Blogger simon said…


  • At Tuesday, November 07, 2006 11:19:00 pm, Blogger Gerald Spottiswood said…

    Glad to hear that Leo is taking the idea global! Ringo with Dingos is a decent one off special, but a bit limited to get a series, which is what I'm after.

    Jeffery Archer is apparently fine with the idea now as he is the world's faster runner and can talk directly both to dogs and to the earth itself, and he was willing to say that under oath.

  • At Wednesday, November 08, 2006 3:55:00 pm, Anonymous Heather said…

    Oh my gosh gerry, what are you doing??? you're very naughty! You told me you would be writing about role models for women in the 20th century, with a short story about a fluffy rabbit....thanks anyway.

    PS, I have now managed to work out my left from my right, and my eyeballs from my eggs.

    Heather xx

  • At Thursday, November 09, 2006 1:51:00 pm, Blogger The Murphmeister said…

    We all feel a bit gauche when a French Waiter looks us in the oefs Heather.

  • At Thursday, November 09, 2006 10:56:00 pm, Blogger Gerald Spottiswood said…

    No Heather I said I'd do a post about models I'd like to roll and f' like a bunny rabbit.

    Pretty girl, but she doesn't always listen.

  • At Monday, November 13, 2006 10:51:00 pm, Blogger The Editor said…

    What about Celebrity POW Camp?
    A variant on the Japanese gameshow format sees the contestants interred somewhere in Malaya. After being brutalised and forced to work long hours on a starvation diet whoever loses the most weight in a fortnight is the clear winner.

  • At Tuesday, March 04, 2008 10:01:00 am, Anonymous sherlock said…

    It's a fantastic concept. There may be one or legal issues to get round but that shouldn't be too much of a problem. Tom Cruise would be my first target. The world would be a better place without his insane ramblings and cult promotion.


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