Heather's Boutique, picture from Getty Images

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

Getting Women to appreciate Football

Now I know why all those glamorous wives and girlfriends have false nails They have nibbled them clean off with nerves watching their men play football. Poor Michael Owen, I feel so sorry for him, even with my super "Astro Heels" I couldn't have foreseen that. Oh dear...... this is going to be a very traumatic week for my nails.

QPR are still top of my list at the moment. Thank you to Pablo for sending me a map of where your stadium is. You were right it is in the most fashionable part of town, Shepherds Bush, next to the A 219.

I have decided to go and watch a game when the season starts. Look out for me, I'll be there with my picnic hamper and dogs. Is it like Ascot, do I wear a hat? Or should I wear the strip? I'm not sure, horizontal stripes, (sorry, I mean hoops), not so flattering to the figure. However, I will, if I have to. That is the kind of sacrifice I am willing to make, putting football before fashion, because I'm a real football fan.

I am pleased that some of you have been taking my advice. Anonymous at 11.07, cheerfully informed me with the news, that he had knocked through the wall to put up his plasma screen TV. But his wife had gone nuts, and how can he get her to realise how important football is?

Well firstly, I do hope you've cleared up the ghastly mess? World Cup or no World Cup, you can't begin to get her to appreciate the beautiful game if she's living on a building site. I'm sure you have though, you sound very thoughtful.

You don't say which team you support, so I will assume its Man Utd. Anyway, my advice is to explain to her how emotional football makes you feel. A bit like how women are with babies and puppies. Also

Send her a big bunch of flowers.
Tell her you think she's wonderful.
Say you want to enjoy all the World Cup and not just the England games.... if she agrees, get this bit in writing.

This should work on most women, the first 2 being very important. However, if she is a bit of a spoil sport, here are some more tips.

Why not make a few bets with her. For example, if England win, say that you will take her to New York for the weekend, go on the "Sex and the City" tour, and kiss her on top on the Empire State Building. However, if Brazil win, you have to do the Samba in front of the in laws completely sober, by yourself, wearing a bikini.

Lots of countries are involved. Take Trinidad, Tobago, Serbia and Montenegro. The local cuisine and fashions from all 4 countries might interest her.

Have a penalty shoot out in the garden. This will make her appreciate how difficult it is....or easy, depending on how rubbish you were at 5 a side football. Tell her to take off her heels though, she might do you an injury.

Impress her with your keepy uppy skills. Grab your chance to look manly. If you're not very good and can only manage say, 120, it'll make her laugh, which is also good.

If you're a fan of David Beckham, (and who isn't), offer to wear his fabulous new aftershave, "David Beckham" You could even let her have a go on you with your hair clippers. Nothing too complicated, what about the 3 lions?

If all this still doesn't get her interested, well I'm afraid sending her shopping or a trail separation is the only option available. I hope this is helpful to you, anon at 11.07.

If anyone else wants advice about anything, football trauma, presents to buy tricky people/pets, or plain old fashioned love, post a comment, and I will do my best.

Good Luck England for Sunday, this one is a big one. I know you can do it. Heatherx


  • At Friday, June 23, 2006 6:01:00 pm, Blogger Saffyre said…

    I'll be watching. Nervously chewing on my nails.

    God I love football. I never realised quite how much. I need to find a team now, a good (male) friend of mine from Manchester wants me to support Manchester United, but I just don't see it happening.

  • At Saturday, June 24, 2006 5:54:00 pm, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    come and sit in c block of south africa rd
    you will see a much better game
    and the banter is 2nd to non

    come on you r's

  • At Saturday, June 24, 2006 10:19:00 pm, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Dont worry not all our fans are illitarate mongs.

  • At Sunday, June 25, 2006 11:12:00 am, Anonymous Pablo said…

    the Q, P and R blocks are good fun to sit in, very noisey always singing and full of passion, failing that check out the Loftus Road end for the next best thing, then for a quiter but good view the upper tier of South Africa Road.


  • At Sunday, June 25, 2006 11:22:00 am, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    You need to go somewhere for a decent drink before the game.

    Avoid the lager and euro-fizz booze palaces.

    There are some that serve good "real" ale, and a couple that have a decent wine list.

    We are not all, yobs you know.

    Let me know your favourite tipple, and I will steer you in the right direction for refreshment and intelligent company.

    Ron Gould.

  • At Monday, June 26, 2006 12:45:00 pm, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I managed to completely avoid the match. We won, didn't we?

  • At Friday, July 07, 2006 11:01:00 am, Blogger Heather said…

    Dear China blue, yes we won, hurray!!!

    Then we lost. Heather

  • At Friday, July 07, 2006 11:06:00 am, Blogger Heather said…

    Dear Mr Gould, although I'm not a real ale drinker, a wine list is always appreciated. Failing that Pimms? Heather


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