Heather's Boutique, picture from Getty Images

Saturday, February 17, 2007

Misdemeanour in Tunbridge Wells - Part 2

Sorry for the delay in posting part 2, I've had my family to stay and there is nothing my mother finds more irritating than me stuck on the computer writing about my criminal capers.

To recap so far...

Very serious policeman stopped me and my friend, suggested that I might be in possession of an illegal substance. A cute Labrador dog with brown eyes and waggy tail was willing to back this up.

As I mentioned before, I've never tried anything remotely drug like in my life. Apart from Champagne obviously, and sometimes when I get a headache from shopping fatigue I knock back a Paracetamol.

"As the dog has indicated you could be in possession of an illegal substance, we are going to have to search you. Have you been taking any drugs this evening?" Very serious policeman asked.

Gosh it was just like Midsommer Murders in Tunbridge Wells, I was about to be frisked by Troy. Where was the ever reasonable and kind Inspector Barnaby?

"Oh." I believe I said. Not a great line, but it's all I could think of.

"Are we likely to find anything on you Miss?" The policewoman asked almost hopefully.

"No, no not at all , yes, that's fine you can search me. I think the dog was just being friendly, I have dogs too so he can probably err smell my dogs, I don't know." I blurted out in a panic.

"I have a dog" "The sniffer dogs don't do that to me." she said through gritted teeth.

"Well, I don't know why but, I haven't got anything." I said.

This was just typical, had I known I was going to be pulled up for looking and smelling shifty, I would have worn something more appropriate, not a fitted dotty dress with a lace trim. I bet Kate Moss doesn't have to put up with this.

My friend Julia was doing her best to distract me by having a fit of the giggles. It wasn't funny, this was a serious matter. I could have been taken to the Police Station, she could be an accessory.

Instead of spending a candle lit evening drinking red wine, and eating beautifully cooked food. I could potentially be sitting in some horrible police station with not a sommelier in sight.

So the policewoman searched me and my handbag. She asked me to empty my pockets.

As I reached into my coat, I touched something familiar, something that I had forgotten was there, something brown, resin like, with a distinctive smell.

"Oh, I know what this is" I said, it had just dawned on me. They must have heard this a thousand times before and gave me a suitable, "Course you do love" glare.

So I pulled it out of my pocket, and presented it to the officers.

"It's a piece of a dog treat." I said. "I must have left it in my coat pocket from when I take my dogs for a walk" I explained.

No response apart from raised eyebrows.

Did they really want to humiliate me by confessing that I wasn't such a great dog owner after all? That I didn't always have complete control of my dogs in the presence of birds, especially ducks? When I let my dogs off for a run, and then subsequently want them to come back, they need some kind of incentive, a bribe. A brown resin like meat flavoured bribe.

Surely a policeman could understand that?

The sniffer dog's expression went from bored to mildly bored with an appetite, he believed me. So I tried to explain the situation the best way I could.

The policeman then took the chew and smelt it, he began to smile, Hallelujah!

"Yeah that's beef." he said thoughtfully, he chuckled.

Well it's not actually it's assorted meat products, I wanted to say but didn't.

My brush with the law was nearly over. He didn't apologise for the mix up, but gave me a ticket instead, saying that their search for drugs had been negative. I patted the sniffer dog on the head, and we left the scene of the crime for our awaiting dinner dates at approximately 20.35.

What a great excuse to be fashionably late.

Heather x


  • At Saturday, February 17, 2007 4:59:00 pm, Blogger Gerald said…

    This comment has been removed by the author.

  • At Saturday, February 17, 2007 5:01:00 pm, Blogger Gerald said…

    Manically giggling friend, some browm resin and popping somewhere that does some superb munchy desserts. That is more than enough to convict in Tunbridge Wells, hell being under 40 is practically a hanging offence.

  • At Sunday, February 18, 2007 5:14:00 am, Blogger todaysdaze said…

    What a fab story.....I am so glad you broke it into 2 parts, and made us wait weeks for the second part. I thought you had been taken into custody!!!

    Did you give the sniffer dog the treat????

  • At Sunday, February 18, 2007 11:56:00 am, Blogger Murph said…

    Great story Heather!
    Fluffy & Grizzle are bribed with assorted meat products to stop chasing birds & waterfowl????
    It would take more than a glorified Oxo cube to stop us in full cry, and I must say I wouldn't like to be in the path of F&G at full pelt either.
    (At the dinner you could have ordered apple pie and asked for it to be taken into custerdy)

  • At Sunday, February 18, 2007 1:29:00 pm, Blogger Heather said…

    gerald - the pudding was good I had sticky toffee pudding with ice cream.

    Hello todaysdaze - I didn't give it to the sniffer dog, Mr Policeman kept it. Maybe he gave it to the dog when we left, he did look pretty bored.

    murph - Yes they are, with not a huge amount of success. Apple pie with custerdy, classic Kent prison food.

  • At Sunday, February 18, 2007 6:02:00 pm, Blogger KAZ said…

    Did you think of offering the policeman a bribe?
    More a brown tenner flavoured type.

  • At Monday, February 19, 2007 3:21:00 pm, Blogger Heather said…

    Kaz - I tried fluttering my eyelashes but it didn't work for some reason.


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