Heather's Boutique, picture from Getty Images

Friday, January 04, 2008

H' scopes for 2008

I hope you all had a fantastic Christmas.

Some of you have been commenting on my absence, one very impertinent reader even suggested that I may have done some time in prison. As we all know inmates get access to Dell Optiplex with a very restricted version of Windows for 10 minutes a day, you can't even access Marks and Spencer. So as you can see that would not suit me at all.

Sagittarius - Your new Sat Nav or (Global Positioning System) by that I mean In Car Navigation System (ICNS)...sends you through a very muddy puddle just outside Yorkshire in February, take care.

Capricorn - You will have an interesting conversation with a bearded man* at Center parcs in August.

Scorpio - Romance is not just a thing of the past if Venus has anything to do with it. Which sadly she doesn't, so it is, (a thing of the past) . Try 2009.

Aries - My charts foresee that you won't be taking my astro predictions seriously this year. I'm sorry I can't work with non believers.

Libra - The problem with Librans is that they are fusspots. This is because you have been drinking too much green tea. As Saturn is moving out of China into Belsize Park you should try English Breakfast instead.

Virgo - As any keen Astro physicist will tell you, Mercury is travelling backwards this year. This rare occurrence is due to a new alignment of shops on the upper level at Bluewater.

Leo - Thanks to lucky optimistic Jupiter, you win tickets for Wimbledon this year. Unfortunately due to mischievous Mercury ruling your aspect at the moment, the tickets are for one hour of parking at the Wimbledon NCP car park.

Cancer - Pluto is moving into the domestic angle on your star chart. This indicates to me that there has never been a better time to pimp your teapot.

Gemini - You lose your socks on the Internet??

Pisces - Ignore what your boyfriend says. Yes you can wear orange! But only when facing South South West on a Tuesday. Go for it.

Taurus - Taurians always write to me asking if I make these Astro scopes up when I'm waiting for my hair to dry. Or when I'm having my nails painted at the salon or on the train back from meeting my gorgeous darling hunky man of a boyfriend . No I don't.

Aquarius - Around the eclipse of the sun on 7th February, you feel like you are going mad. Rest assured you are not mad, but due to excessive lunar energy you're turning into a werewolf. Do send photos for me to share with my readers.

*Be nice it could be Father Christmas on his holidays!

Happy New Year



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