Heather's Boutique, picture from Getty Images

Saturday, February 17, 2007

Misdemeanour in Tunbridge Wells - Part 2

Sorry for the delay in posting part 2, I've had my family to stay and there is nothing my mother finds more irritating than me stuck on the computer writing about my criminal capers.

To recap so far...

Very serious policeman stopped me and my friend, suggested that I might be in possession of an illegal substance. A cute Labrador dog with brown eyes and waggy tail was willing to back this up.

As I mentioned before, I've never tried anything remotely drug like in my life. Apart from Champagne obviously, and sometimes when I get a headache from shopping fatigue I knock back a Paracetamol.

"As the dog has indicated you could be in possession of an illegal substance, we are going to have to search you. Have you been taking any drugs this evening?" Very serious policeman asked.

Gosh it was just like Midsommer Murders in Tunbridge Wells, I was about to be frisked by Troy. Where was the ever reasonable and kind Inspector Barnaby?

"Oh." I believe I said. Not a great line, but it's all I could think of.

"Are we likely to find anything on you Miss?" The policewoman asked almost hopefully.

"No, no not at all , yes, that's fine you can search me. I think the dog was just being friendly, I have dogs too so he can probably err smell my dogs, I don't know." I blurted out in a panic.

"I have a dog" "The sniffer dogs don't do that to me." she said through gritted teeth.

"Well, I don't know why but, I haven't got anything." I said.

This was just typical, had I known I was going to be pulled up for looking and smelling shifty, I would have worn something more appropriate, not a fitted dotty dress with a lace trim. I bet Kate Moss doesn't have to put up with this.

My friend Julia was doing her best to distract me by having a fit of the giggles. It wasn't funny, this was a serious matter. I could have been taken to the Police Station, she could be an accessory.

Instead of spending a candle lit evening drinking red wine, and eating beautifully cooked food. I could potentially be sitting in some horrible police station with not a sommelier in sight.

So the policewoman searched me and my handbag. She asked me to empty my pockets.

As I reached into my coat, I touched something familiar, something that I had forgotten was there, something brown, resin like, with a distinctive smell.

"Oh, I know what this is" I said, it had just dawned on me. They must have heard this a thousand times before and gave me a suitable, "Course you do love" glare.

So I pulled it out of my pocket, and presented it to the officers.

"It's a piece of a dog treat." I said. "I must have left it in my coat pocket from when I take my dogs for a walk" I explained.

No response apart from raised eyebrows.

Did they really want to humiliate me by confessing that I wasn't such a great dog owner after all? That I didn't always have complete control of my dogs in the presence of birds, especially ducks? When I let my dogs off for a run, and then subsequently want them to come back, they need some kind of incentive, a bribe. A brown resin like meat flavoured bribe.

Surely a policeman could understand that?

The sniffer dog's expression went from bored to mildly bored with an appetite, he believed me. So I tried to explain the situation the best way I could.

The policeman then took the chew and smelt it, he began to smile, Hallelujah!

"Yeah that's beef." he said thoughtfully, he chuckled.

Well it's not actually it's assorted meat products, I wanted to say but didn't.

My brush with the law was nearly over. He didn't apologise for the mix up, but gave me a ticket instead, saying that their search for drugs had been negative. I patted the sniffer dog on the head, and we left the scene of the crime for our awaiting dinner dates at approximately 20.35.

What a great excuse to be fashionably late.

Heather x

Sunday, February 04, 2007

Misdemeanour in Tunbridge Wells - Part 1

I've been writing this blog since the last asparagus season, (May 2006). In that time I've tried to be honest with my readers and give them what they wanted, even if they didn't realise it's what they wanted. Sometimes I don't even think I wanted it without realising it.

Anyway, I' m an honest member of the community and my family. I pay the taxman willingly, and I absolutely never wear last seasons colours. That is why it was a surprise to me to find out I was nearly branded a common criminal.

This unforgettable incident happened last week in Tunbridge Wells of all places.

My friend and I were on our way to dinner to meet some other friends who were friends of my friend. We exited the train station at approximately 20.00 hrs on our way to said dinner date.

It was then I caught sight of him, what a cutie I immediately thought.

He had big brown eyes and soft golden hair and seemed friendly without being pushy, loveable without being a doormat and .... well you get the picture.

"Why don't you go and say hello?" my friend Julia said.

"I'm not sure, he seems a little pre occupied, maybe he's waiting for someone" I pondered.

"Maybe he is, but they're not here yet so you've got time. Go on quick, he's looking at you." my friend ushered.

So I scuttled over, leaving Julia grinning like the proverbial cat.

I hadn't noticed before, but he was part of a group. Oh dear, this could be highly embarrasssing, making a fool of oneself in front of an audience. But it was too late, I was standing in front of "the group".

"Excuse me, would you mind if I said hello to him?" I asked sheepishly to the tall man.

Two other men who now miraculously appeared to be in a uniform, looked at me smirking. There was also a woman standing behind them. I noticed she wasn't wearing any make up...it's a Saturday night? Something definitely was amiss here.

"Not at all, be my guest love." he replied, with a sinister nod.

My cute blond with brown eyes was friendly, very friendly. He was turning into a nightmare, his paws were everywhere and he was trying to get his tougue down my throat! This is not what I had expected , even less so in Tunbridge Wells. I was of course, disgusted.

"He's very friendly isn't he?" I hesitated

As the words came out of my mouth, the penny dropped with a loud clunck, Clunck. I realised what a total amoeba I had been.

My friend re joined me at that point, "What are you doing?"she said in her best impression of my mother.

I didn't know.

I was making friends with a Labrador drugs sniffer dog surrounded by at least six undercover members of Tunbridge Wells Police Constabulary on a Saturday night. I was clearly an idiot, with nice shoes.

"Err, yes well I'm sorry, I just wanted to stroke your dog that's all, I have dogs myself that's probably why he's being so friendly Officer, I mean Constable, get down nice doggie, sit sit . " I said feebly.

There were many raised eyebrows. I made my excuses, grabbed my friend and left the scene of the crime. I patted myself on the back for never having tried anything remotely drug like in my whole life.

As I brushed off the dog hairs and drool from my face, I began to feel famished. We had dinner booked at Hotel du Vin, and we were both late. Valuable time had being wasted cuddling enthusiastic police dogs when we should be eating gorgeous French food. That was a crime.

"Heather, erm, we've got company" Julia said slowly with a nervous giggle.

We both turned around, indeed we had. A lot of company, and we were surrounded. My little brown eyed friend was just sitting staring at me, he'd followed me like a stray dog, how nice.

"Excuse me Miss, our dog has indicated to us that you are in possession of an illegal substance, would you step over here with us please." he asked, without one hint of humour in his voice.

Part two coming soon.

Heather x