H' scopes for 2008

I hope you all had a fantastic Christmas.

Some of you have been commenting on my absence, one very impertinent reader even suggested that I may have done some time in prison. As we all know inmates get access to Dell Optiplex with a very restricted version of Windows for 10 minutes a day, you can't even access Marks and Spencer. So as you can see that would not suit me at all.

Sagittarius - Your new Sat Nav or (Global Positioning System) by that I mean In Car Navigation System (ICNS)...sends you through a very muddy puddle just outside Yorkshire in February, take care.

Capricorn - You will have an interesting conversation with a bearded man* at Center parcs in August.

Scorpio - Romance is not just a thing of the past if Venus has anything to do with it. Which sadly she doesn't, so it is, (a thing of the past) . Try 2009.

Aries - My charts foresee that you won't be taking my astro predictions seriously this year. I'm sorry I can't work with non believers.

Libra - The problem with Librans is that they are fusspots. This is because you have been drinking too much green tea. As Saturn is moving out of China into Belsize Park you should try English Breakfast instead.

Virgo - As any keen Astro physicist will tell you, Mercury is travelling backwards this year. This rare occurrence is due to a new alignment of shops on the upper level at Bluewater.

Leo - Thanks to lucky optimistic Jupiter, you win tickets for Wimbledon this year. Unfortunately due to mischievous Mercury ruling your aspect at the moment, the tickets are for one hour of parking at the Wimbledon NCP car park.

Cancer - Pluto is moving into the domestic angle on your star chart. This indicates to me that there has never been a better time to pimp your teapot.

Gemini - You lose your socks on the Internet??

Pisces - Ignore what your boyfriend says. Yes you can wear orange! But only when facing South South West on a Tuesday. Go for it.

Taurus - Taurians always write to me asking if I make these Astro scopes up when I'm waiting for my hair to dry. Or when I'm having my nails painted at the salon or on the train back from meeting my gorgeous darling hunky man of a boyfriend . No I don't.

Aquarius - Around the eclipse of the sun on 7th February, you feel like you are going mad. Rest assured you are not mad, but due to excessive lunar energy you're turning into a werewolf. Do send photos for me to share with my readers.

*Be nice it could be Father Christmas on his holidays!

Happy New Year

Heather

Leftovers

What on earth can I make for dinner?

I've only got leftover turkey, ham, sausages, stuffing, bacon, gravy, varied seasonal regional vegetables including potatoes, sweet potatoes, parsnips, leeks, cabbage, brussel sprouts, carrots, apples, apple sauce, tangerines, salmon, smoked salmon, cheese, blue cheese,cream cheese, Swiss cheese, crakers, Christmas cake, Christmas pudding, brandy sauce, brandy butter, custard, cheesecake, dark chocolate, milk chocolate, chocolate log, cream, ice cream, spices, herbs, nuts, flour, cornflour, sugar,eggs, milk, skimmed milk, salt and pepper??

My lovely Christmas

Its about this time of year when I take a week off shopping to reflect on what Christmas really means to me and my blog. Is it about forcing yourself to open the front door and listen to the Carol singers ? Or maybe giving your cleaner a couple of hours off on Christmas day? Or perhaps taking the time to sign your own Christmas cards?

No it isn't. It's about trying to get rid of all the rubbish when you have a fortnightly bin collection.

So I have invented a new game. Everyone can play, mums, dads, husbands, children grandparents even dogs. Its called "See who can squash the most rubbish into the wheelie bin."

First appoint a Rubbish Coordinator, this should always be you, for reasons you will see in a minute. Sit on the sofa, pour yourself a drink.


Second, get your family to tear all the bits of paper and cardboard up in to tiny pieces. Dogs and children love this bit. Don't be alarmed by the huge amount of mess they make, they're enjoying themselves. Again the Rubbish Coordinator remains on the sofa, you can put your feet up, that's optional.

Then ask everyone to help put all the bits of paper into big black refuse sacks. Think carefully about the tone of your voice here, don't sound too authoritative remember it's Christmas for them as well.

Bring to their attention any bits of paper they may have missed from under tables, behind TV's that sort of thing. Grandparents always like plenty of fresh air, so send them outside to get started on emptying any rubbish in your car.

You may even be feeling a bit sleepy watching all this pandemonium going on in your lovely lounge, that's normal. Pour yourself another drink, its going to get a lot quieter in a minute.

Now it's time to take all the awful rubbish outside and squash it into your wheelie bin. Tell everyone to wrap up warm, its freezing outside. Don't forget to give clear instructions where your bin is, it'll probably be dark and its quite a walk up those icy side alley steps. If its windy, tell them to be careful not to let all the little bits of paper blow all over the road and down the street. No need to get up, you have a drink to finish.

Now you've got a bit of peace and your lounge looks lovely and tidy, you can settle down to watch "Finding Nemo," a funny heartwarming film about a cute little clown fish whose mother gets eaten alive, then he gets taken away from his father and put into captivity.

Have a fantastic Christmas.

Heather x

Misdemeanour in Tunbridge Wells - Part 2

Sorry for the delay in posting part 2, I've had my family to stay and there is nothing my mother finds more irritating than me stuck on the computer writing about my criminal capers.

To recap so far...

Very serious policeman stopped me and my friend, suggested that I might be in possession of an illegal substance. A cute Labrador dog with brown eyes and waggy tail was willing to back this up.

As I mentioned before, I've never tried anything remotely drug like in my life. Apart from Champagne obviously, and sometimes when I get a headache from shopping fatigue I knock back a Paracetamol.

"As the dog has indicated you could be in possession of an illegal substance, we are going to have to search you. Have you been taking any drugs this evening?" Very serious policeman asked.

Gosh it was just like Midsommer Murders in Tunbridge Wells, I was about to be frisked by Troy. Where was the ever reasonable and kind Inspector Barnaby?

"Oh." I believe I said. Not a great line, but it's all I could think of.

"Are we likely to find anything on you Miss?" The policewoman asked almost hopefully.

"No, no not at all , yes, that's fine you can search me. I think the dog was just being friendly, I have dogs too so he can probably err smell my dogs, I don't know." I blurted out in a panic.

"I have a dog" "The sniffer dogs don't do that to me." she said through gritted teeth.

"Well, I don't know why but, I haven't got anything." I said.

This was just typical, had I known I was going to be pulled up for looking and smelling shifty, I would have worn something more appropriate, not a fitted dotty dress with a lace trim. I bet Kate Moss doesn't have to put up with this.

My friend Julia was doing her best to distract me by having a fit of the giggles. It wasn't funny, this was a serious matter. I could have been taken to the Police Station, she could be an accessory.

Instead of spending a candle lit evening drinking red wine, and eating beautifully cooked food. I could potentially be sitting in some horrible police station with not a sommelier in sight.

So the policewoman searched me and my handbag. She asked me to empty my pockets.

As I reached into my coat, I touched something familiar, something that I had forgotten was there, something brown, resin like, with a distinctive smell.

"Oh, I know what this is" I said, it had just dawned on me. They must have heard this a thousand times before and gave me a suitable, "Course you do love" glare.

So I pulled it out of my pocket, and presented it to the officers.

"It's a piece of a dog treat." I said. "I must have left it in my coat pocket from when I take my dogs for a walk" I explained.

No response apart from raised eyebrows.

Did they really want to humiliate me by confessing that I wasn't such a great dog owner after all? That I didn't always have complete control of my dogs in the presence of birds, especially ducks? When I let my dogs off for a run, and then subsequently want them to come back, they need some kind of incentive, a bribe. A brown resin like meat flavoured bribe.

Surely a policeman could understand that?

The sniffer dog's expression went from bored to mildly bored with an appetite, he believed me. So I tried to explain the situation the best way I could.

The policeman then took the chew and smelt it, he began to smile, Hallelujah!

"Yeah that's beef." he said thoughtfully, he chuckled.

Well it's not actually it's assorted meat products, I wanted to say but didn't.

My brush with the law was nearly over. He didn't apologise for the mix up, but gave me a ticket instead, saying that their search for drugs had been negative. I patted the sniffer dog on the head, and we left the scene of the crime for our awaiting dinner dates at approximately 20.35.

What a great excuse to be fashionably late.

Heather x

Misdemeanour in Tunbridge Wells - Part 1

I've been writing this blog since the last asparagus season, (May 2006). In that time I've tried to be honest with my readers and give them what they wanted, even if they didn't realise it's what they wanted. Sometimes I don't even think I wanted it without realising it.

Anyway, I' m an honest member of the community and my family. I pay the taxman willingly, and I absolutely never wear last seasons colours. That is why it was a surprise to me to find out I was nearly branded a common criminal.

This unforgettable incident happened last week in Tunbridge Wells of all places.

My friend and I were on our way to dinner to meet some other friends who were friends of my friend. We exited the train station at approximately 20.00 hrs on our way to said dinner date.

It was then I caught sight of him, what a cutie I immediately thought.

He had big brown eyes and soft golden hair and seemed friendly without being pushy, loveable without being a doormat and .... well you get the picture.

"Why don't you go and say hello?" my friend Julia said.

"I'm not sure, he seems a little pre occupied, maybe he's waiting for someone" I pondered.

"Maybe he is, but they're not here yet so you've got time. Go on quick, he's looking at you." my friend ushered.

So I scuttled over, leaving Julia grinning like the proverbial cat.

I hadn't noticed before, but he was part of a group. Oh dear, this could be highly embarrasssing, making a fool of oneself in front of an audience. But it was too late, I was standing in front of "the group".

"Excuse me, would you mind if I said hello to him?" I asked sheepishly to the tall man.

Two other men who now miraculously appeared to be in a uniform, looked at me smirking. There was also a woman standing behind them. I noticed she wasn't wearing any make up...it's a Saturday night? Something definitely was amiss here.

"Not at all, be my guest love." he replied, with a sinister nod.

My cute blond with brown eyes was friendly, very friendly. He was turning into a nightmare, his paws were everywhere and he was trying to get his tougue down my throat! This is not what I had expected , even less so in Tunbridge Wells. I was of course, disgusted.

"He's very friendly isn't he?" I hesitated

As the words came out of my mouth, the penny dropped with a loud clunck, Clunck. I realised what a total amoeba I had been.

My friend re joined me at that point, "What are you doing?"she said in her best impression of my mother.

I didn't know.

I was making friends with a Labrador drugs sniffer dog surrounded by at least six undercover members of Tunbridge Wells Police Constabulary on a Saturday night. I was clearly an idiot, with nice shoes.

"Err, yes well I'm sorry, I just wanted to stroke your dog that's all, I have dogs myself that's probably why he's being so friendly Officer, I mean Constable, get down nice doggie, sit sit . " I said feebly.

There were many raised eyebrows. I made my excuses, grabbed my friend and left the scene of the crime. I patted myself on the back for never having tried anything remotely drug like in my whole life.

As I brushed off the dog hairs and drool from my face, I began to feel famished. We had dinner booked at Hotel du Vin, and we were both late. Valuable time had being wasted cuddling enthusiastic police dogs when we should be eating gorgeous French food. That was a crime.

"Heather, erm, we've got company" Julia said slowly with a nervous giggle.

We both turned around, indeed we had. A lot of company, and we were surrounded. My little brown eyed friend was just sitting staring at me, he'd followed me like a stray dog, how nice.

"Excuse me Miss, our dog has indicated to us that you are in possession of an illegal substance, would you step over here with us please." he asked, without one hint of humour in his voice.

Part two coming soon.

Heather x

David Beckham - you need help

Dear David


I have admired your work for many years. I think you are very good at football, especially when you kick the ball. My mother and I always think you look very fashionable on the pitch, (and on the bench).

However, I have read about your recent activities i.e. Signing a 5 year deal worth £128 million to play for LA Galaxy.

In one word, you need help.

Have you really thought about this David? Many people have tried and failed to deal with this sort of thing, it's never easy.

It's no good putting your head in the sand Victoria, a little bit of shopping here and there is not going to make any difference.

How on earth are you going to spend all that money??

You have millions, what are you going to do?

If you don't take action, you're going to have so much money you'll become delirious, and that could be embarrassing in the post match showers.

So I've come up with a few solutions for you, I do hope you have time to look at them in your busy schedule, this took me a whole minute to write.

• Clearly there aren't enough days in the week for you to spend all your money, so start thinking about shopping on what should be a time of rest....Monday mornings.
  

• Get into politics and run for government. Obviously you'll never win because you're not an American citizen, but it will waste a huge amount of money. Could be a laugh?
  

• How about making a movie, they always go over budget, you could call it. "Beckham" - Beckham's cultural Learnings of America for make benefit glorious game of Soccer.
  

• Buy a few vineyards in Napa Valley, they can't be cheap. I'm sure the kiddies would love to help with picking and squashing the grapes at Chateau de Beckham. Just think of all the parties you could have, invite some heavy drinking friends, they would sup your profits away in no time.
  

I hope this is helpful to you both, let me know via the news how you get on.

Happy spending, yours sincerely

Heather x

Blog Tag

Things have been so busy here lately I've barely had chance to co-ordinate my outfits properly. Not to mention the colour malfunction between pink and lilac at the top of my page. But I have bought a new umbrella today to cope with all this rain, so something has been accomplished.

As I mentioned on my previous post, I have been blog tagged. It says I need to reveal 5 interesting things about me. That's easy.

1. I once got a free pen from a magazine.

2. I can send a text message standing up.

3. I double bag my shopping.

4. I like to sunbathe facing South South West.

5. A button on my favourite coat is missing.

I'm actually quite flattered to think that this very knowledgeable person has thought of little old me and my blog. So with that in mind I'm going to be all technical today.

Apologies to my regular readers, you may wish to visit another blog, try my favs grouchy old Mr P and darling Kaz.

2 Years ago.

Computers were not good to me. They used to stare at me blankly or make weird noises when I tried to print things. Something had to be done before ebay started to lose money.

Men seem to be good with gadgets, but us girls can be technical and logical too! So I telephoned my geeky friend Robin to come and sort me and my computer out *flutter flutter*.

He was round at my place quicker than you can say "Google my You Tubes".

"What do you use your computer for?" he enquired rather nosily.
"Erm, the usual stuff emails, printing my cleaning rota, and shopping" I replied, choosing not to mention my embarrassing daily habit of cooing over pictures of puppies and rabbits at Cute Overload.

So there he was fixing my silly old computer, re booting my software and harmonizing my hard drive. After a morning of doing lots of complicated stuff, I was left with something quite extraordinary.

"It's called Linux" he said.

"A what?" I said.

"Linux" he said.

"A Linux?" I said.

"No, just Linux, not A Linux, it's an operating system. " Robin said with his very precise hat on. "See how you get on with it, and give me a call if you have a problem" he said trotting out the front door.

That was 2 years ago now and my computer works perfectly. I don't understand it??

My server serves, my browser browses and my printer prints, it seems Robin is a genius. Thanks to him and Mr Linux, the viruses and crashes have gone.

These are replaced by cute reliable penguins called Tux. My computer behaves so well these days I have almost forgotten what used to go wrong.

That's my technical talk over with, phew. Next week I'll be pondering how Victorian Horoscopes may have influenced the Scientist Charles Darwin's theory of Evolution. He was an Aquarius obviously.

I have to pass this tag thing on so over to you Murph and Oz. fetch.

Heather x

ps The only thing I can't do is play my favourite game, Note Attack, can anyone help me?