Heather's Boutique, picture from Getty Images

Thursday, November 30, 2006

Trauma

I'm sorry for the absence, I do hope I was missed in the blog world. I have been quite busy recently with family issues. The usual things involving rows, walk outs and mud slinging. Of course I won't be writing about it on my blog, that would be very uncouth of me.

I do have some pictures though which I will be sharing with you at a later date, and possibly a clip for the very fashionable You Tube. Sorry about all the swearing, I was practising for my next visit to QPR.

Well I was going to do a post about my Paris shopping trip which seems ages ago now.

The sad truth is dear reader, I feel I've let myself down.

I have been trying to tell myself that like so many things in life, it's about quality and not quantity (Gerald). But I can't help feeling I've failed.

Things looked hopeful at first, Paris had so many beautiful shops. I'd seen the recent photographs of darling Victoria doing it, why couldn't I?

Alas I was hopeless, the only thing I managed to purchase after a weekend shopping trip in Paris was a solitary tube of l' Occitane hand cream. To add insult to injury, I also lost the competition between my friends, on who would take the most shoes away with them.

Please don't mock me, I am seeking help for my condition on the internet.



My camera also broke, hence only 2 pictures taken from Pont des Arts.

There were some postives on my trip though, I did learn a little bit of French.

Tour Eiffel - Eiffel Tower
Le Train Blue - The Blue Train
Non - No
Taxi - Taxi
Croque Monsieur - Mr Bite
Croque Madame - Mrs Bite

I hope this is helpful to you next time you visit Paris, or Senegal.

Someone has also emailed me to ask where my H'scopes have gone. I will be looking at my astro charts shortly to find out.

Heather x

ps - (2 hours later) just managed to purchase a pink cashmere shrug, a coat and a box of Prestat chocolates of the internet. Gosh, it feels like the trauma of Paris is almost behind me. x

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

Back home

Well I'm back from beautiful Paris. Thank you Gerry for blog sitting for me....never again, no not really. I am very grateful, and will be sending you an Opera cake, I know you like your French tarts.

I was concerned to read that Boris Johnson was on your list of celebrities. Surely he's ok? He reminds me of a big fluffy polar bear, although I wouldn't want him in charge of anything important like running the country or my personal shoe collection.

By the way, referring to your very rude comment about me not listening, how could you say that?

Remember the time you told me about that problem with your performance in the bedroom with the ladies? Gosh I listened for hours, I even went to the trouble of getting a second opinion for you from your colleague.

I do apologise for mentioning it to my Grandmother though, which inevitabley led to the W.I. getting hold of it, so to speak.

We had a fantastic time staying in St Germain. Lots of delicious food and wine. Will post some photos next, although I don't have very many, my camera decided to lock itself at random moments.

Hope everyone is well whilst I've been away.

Ps - I've never been to one before, but is anyone going to this Christmas Brit Blog meet?

Heather x

Thursday, November 02, 2006

Hunting Celebrities with Dogs

Well here I am in the world of blog, Heather asked me to write on the blog while she is away, I'm not quite sure why and while the cake was extremely nice I'd much prefer her to do a full oil and spark plug change on the car. Heather made it very clear that I couldn't write anything disgusting or depraved, which is a bit difficult as I am a lifelong Tory. She just texted me from Paris and apparently the left bank is only on the left if you face one way, if you turn around its actually the right bank.

Anyway now I've got an audience I think its time to talk about an idea I've had for a while. With all those reality TV programmes out there and the end of fox hunting I've had a great idea to keep the dogs fit and active and give the celebrities the exposure they clearly crave.

My idea is to go one step beyond "I'm a Z-List Celebrity, get me on there" and add real drama and excitement into it. My programme is "Hunting Celebrities down with Dogs". The format is going to be very simple. The Celebrity starts in the middle of a wood at dawn , dropped off in a posh 4x4 they are wearing their standard going out attire. They then get ten minutes to plug their latest book/CD/Perfume/Clothing Line/Marriage/Divorce/Diet/etc/etc/etc. One mile away around 200 dogs, mainly beagles but also with decent hunting dogs like Rhodesian Ridgebacks and Dobermans thrown in to make it more interesting. The Celebrity then has to run to a safe point which is three miles away through a wood, over a river, standard sort of country thing. The dogs and celebrity then race to see if the celebrity is safe or is lunch.

Now clearly demand from these Z-List people is going to be high as they'll get all that time to talk about themselves and will get great exposure, so I've narrowed down the list to a few that I think would suit the program
  1. Paris Hilton - mainly for crimes against dogs, but also because I have no idea what function she serves on this planet
  2. Boris Johnson - I spoke to Heather's dog and they are pretty sure that as he is against healthy food that there will be good eating on old Boris
  3. David Blunkett - His guide dog just shouldn't have been made to watch those things
  4. Anyone who has been on Big Brother and is still giving interviews on how little they've actually done
  5. Any of those minor Soap characters that people struggle to name the character for, let alone the actor
  6. Leo Sayer - Feel like dancing Leo?
  7. Jean Marie Le Pen - A big fat violent racist, do I need more of a reason
  8. That Kerry character who used to be in that girl band
  9. Some random footballers wife who is just desperate to get into TV
  10. Jordan and Jodie Marsh - Will they kill each other before the dogs get there?
  11. Jeffery Archer - Well he claims he can run fast and has experience evading the law
So I'm sure there are others who deserve the honour of appearing on the programme (any ideas?) and I think its a winner. It will of course be presented by Ant and Dec who will make chirpy comments as the celebrity is torn into lots of little pieces. I'm thinking its going to be either Channel 5 or Sky TV.

Anyway that's my idea, any TV producers out there who can help?